Sunday, January 23, 2011

Insanity

It's 12:30 in the morning, and you can't sleep yet. You know you have to get up early tomorrow, there are things to do. You have to make coffee, clean your room, do your hair, walk to the bus stop. Take the bus to school and see your friends and your boyfriend. You have a day of 300 calories to look forward too. Hopefully with no throwing up, unlike today and yesterday.

Your head aches from all the trips to the bathroom, the panicked minutes spent heaving into the glassy toilet bowl. Your eyes ache from the pressure, from the constant watering and wiping away smeared makeup. Your stomach complains from the sudden urge to eat, then to expel its contents. Your legs are shaky, your knee still sore from where you scraped it falling the other night on a walk.

You go out for a cigarette, hoping it will calm your headache and uneasy insides, taking a worn out copy of Wasted  by Marya Hornbacher with you. You sit and read and smoke. You say some words aloud. "A little too thin...and you cannot hide your smile."

You look up to see a house across the way with the lights on. There's a couple moving around in the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, having a discussion. For some reason, you feel the need to move closer. You get up on legs sore from the thousands of leg lifts you have forced upon yourself over the weekend. Silently, you move between your parents' cars and into the street. You notice empty alcohol bottles on the ground. You kick one lightly, for no reason. It rolls away, gleaming in the dim orange glow of street lamps.

You stand twenty feet from the house, watching. The woman in the kitchen is fat. You smirk at her, thinking yourself a better person for being thinner. You watch as the man, tall and muscular, as he leans in for a kiss. He rubs her arm, almost reassuringly, or lovingly. He gestures to the room behind him, where a TV light flickers. The woman wanders into the other room. The man reaches for a light switch beside the window. For a moment, it looks as though he sees you, and you back up hastily, nearly tripping over the bottle you just kicked. The lights go out, and you feel alone again.

Cigarette down to the filter, you flick it away from you. It lands on the sidewalk, smoldering and dying. You walk back to the door, pick up your book, and quietly slip back inside.

For some reason, you can't stop thinking about the happy couple, the beloved fat girl. It seems such a strange idea to you. How can anyone be fat and happy at the same time? It begins to dawn on you, how strange your behavior really is. Standing in the street, watching people in their houses. You worry about your sanity, but only slightly. Your main concern is getting through tomorrow on only 300 calories. Your boyfriend mentioned going to dinner. How will you be able to eat so little without offending? Or worse, how will you be able to throw up without him suspecting? He knows your past, it's only a matter of time before he catches on. However, even that doesn't worry you as much as the food you ate today. What you didn't throw up. Are those wayward calories finding their way to your hips, your stomach, your thighs? Better do some more leg lifts, perhaps some sit ups. No, you should really sleep.

The diet pill you forgot you took starts to make your stomach churn uneasily. You really want to sleep now, but you really want to exercise more. More than likely, when you finish this post on your silly little blog, you're going to go upstairs and push your body just a bit further before you lie down.

Such is the life you lead.

6 comments:

  1. Oh hun! I wish I would have known you've been blogging all this time! Reading, and rereading your blog, plus reading all your archives( I facebooked you quite a while back for them, I'm not sure if you remember) has been a big part of whats been keeping me sane with all the 'normal' eating lately. I actually made the decision to start the abc diet this morning when I got up. And this has made me so much more motivated! I'm glad to know you're back. Although, kudos to those that make it out of the hell hole that is a life like mine, it's always nice when someone comes back, especially when you've read about them for so long... =] given, this is me being selfish at the moment, but oh well. Haha, if you are ever up for an email buddy, or a texting one let me know... anasarms@hotmail.com =] I'd absolutely LOVE to hear from you =]

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  2. you're one hell of a writer, dude. seriously, you need to write a book.

    try not to push yourself too hard. it's reaching the dream that's important, not the time it takes to achieve it. the time will pass anyway. take it easy. you'll get there. we both will. i promise. let yourself sleep, try not to puke too much (easier said than done, i know, i'm trying to cut down myself and it's hellllllll). if you wear your body out too much in the beginning, you won't make it. it's like travelling cross country in a car. you can't be wreckless and wear out all the parts before you've even made it out of town.

    i believe in you.

    stay strong, think thin, live ana
    xoxoNikkioxox

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  3. Hey Lilly, Just wanted to say hi, and introduce myself. i've been reading your blog(s) now for a while and I wanted to tell you how much of an amazing writer and inspiration you are. I find myself relating to the poetic words you use to describe so well to the motioins of Ana.
    Keep your eye set on the light at the end of the tunnel, know you will get there. No matter what, you will get there. You can do this! This is what you want - Go for it!!
    I agree with waht NikkiThin said, it's about becomming the dream, no matter how long it takes, don't destroy yourself in the process, otherwise once you've reached your goals you wil be too far gone to enjoy their splendors.
    Hang in there.
    Ana's Angel
    xo

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  4. Hello,

    My name is Daphna Yeshua-Katz and I am a graduate student in the Department of Telecommunications at Indiana University. I have read your blog and would like to invite you to participate in my study about pro-ana bloggers. I am very interested in learning about your motivations for publishing your blog, as well as the benefits the blog may provide to both you and your readers.

    Ideally, the interview would take place over the phone or via Skype. However, if you don’t feel comfortable with either of these approaches, I would be happy to send my questions to you via email. I can schedule the interview at convenient day and time for you. Whichever method you choose, please know that your identity will be kept anonymous and your answers will stay strictly confidential.


    You are also welcome to ask me any questions about the study at any time. You can contact me by email at dyeshuak@indiana.edu, phone +1- 812-3204517. In the meantime, you can learn more about me here: http://www.indiana.edu/~telecom/people/grads/dyeshuak.shtml. I hope to hear from you soon.


    Best regards,
    Daphna Yeshua-Katz

    P.S. If you know more pro-ana bloggers that would be interested in participating in this study please feel free to forward them this invitation.

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  5. I would never puke up my food. It destroys your esophagus. But I am pro ana. Ana doesnt kill you, it makes you beautiful outside, to match the beauty inside of you. How could anyone want to know the beautiful inside of you if they cant see beauty on the outside? No smart, funny, handsome guy is going to want a fat girl.

    Thin is the dream Ana is the way xoxoxoxo

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  6. I came here accidentally, and I love your writings. Please write again, it's been four years since your last post :(.

    ReplyDelete