My body has returned to normal functioning. My digestive system is all in order. My tummy has the usual roundness to it that comes from eating normally. And I hate it.
I've been on such good behavior for the last couple months. I didn't want to scare my boyfriend, I didn't want to raise a fuss. Around the time of my last posts, everyone was beginning to whisper. "Is Lilly relapsing?" Everyone seems to know about my past. So I justified eating again. In truth, it's my own greed. The thought of endless restriction, again, seemed so unappealing. I just wanted to eat. It didn't appear to be such a sin. Until my good friend Nikki (Letters to Ana) began the ABC and started to lose weight faster than ever. I would get texts concerning her shrinking legs, fitting into smaller and smaller sizes...her decreased ring size (even her fingers are slimming down)...and where am I? Same size as I was. Same size as I will continue to be until I change it.
It's all up to me, I realize now. I can either indulge in the calorie-packed lunches my boyfriend and friends at the college love so much, or I can stay behind with a stomach ache and offer to watch their backpacks and laptops. "Are you sure you don't want me to bring you something back?" Tom will offer sweetly. "No, I'm fine. I had breakfast with my mom today." I'll reply. And simple as that, I have subtracted hundreds of calories from my lifestyle. It's all in what I choose to say, where I choose to go.
My family is moving to a new house, closer to the college, closer to where my parents work. A new environment, a new area to imprint with memories and rules. I have somehow managed to form a routine that revolves around eating where I live currently. Next to the stairwell (which leads to my room, and safety away from temptation) is the kitchen, and the door to the basement. It has become so easy to get home, make a sandwich, and go down to the basement to sit on my fat ass and watch TV.
New house, new layout, new rules.I may go to the basement, OR to my room. No visiting the kitchen. Eating will be rare, and recognized as a sin. New house, new me. It is a beautiful house. It deserves a beautiful thin girl to live in it.
Coffee for breakfast and laxatives for lunch, and those who skip dinner will end up thinner.