Fail

I failed yesterday and ate dinner. An hour later I was with my best friend, my boyfriend, and few other people. Scared to death of the calories that were rapidly absorbing, knowing it was probably too late to make a different, I purged. I felt emptier, better. Then I coughed up blood. Just a little bit, probably from my throat...but still. My best friend noticed it, and he told me I should go to a doctor. My boyfriend held me tight and asked if I was okay. I nodded vigorously, "I'm fine, I'm fine." After all, there's no reason for them to be so concerned if I'm still fat. What's the point of suffering from your eating disorder if you're not even thin? This little medical error on my body's part has made me determined to DESERVE sickness. I'm going to get skinny again, if it takes every fragment of my concentration. 120 lbs is my goal. 120...120...120...

I haven't weighed myself today. I'm afraid to. Nothing but coffee and cigarettes today. Oh, and I'm punishing myself for that stupid slip-up at dinner yesterday, fasting until Thursday now. Though I'm proud of myself for staying strong when all my friends got the munchies later last night and bought brownies, cookies, and candy...I chewed gum and drank vitamin water zero

My goal is to hit 152 by the end of this week.